when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
