all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
