i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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