I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
