Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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