wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
