3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
