I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
