My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
