o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
