even my farts smell like vagina
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
