I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
