I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
