There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize