Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
