I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
