If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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