A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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