going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
