I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
