I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
