After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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