It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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