I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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