On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
