I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
