awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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