Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Randomize
