I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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