I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
