I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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