Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
