Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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