She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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