Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I sprained my soul last night
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
