so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
