Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
