My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
