I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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