My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
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