And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
