Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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