Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
