Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
