im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
