you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
