I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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