Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I wear drunk well.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
