my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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