His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
