I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
