Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
