she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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