Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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