I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
