i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
