It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
