ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
