Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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