Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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