I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
