I'm pants shitting drunk right now
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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