im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
