I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
