My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
