Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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