I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
